wonderfully written. I too spoke thoughtlessly and abhorrently as a teen with no knowledge of the impact of my words. I was simply following the lead of the adults and movies I watched as a precocious teen in the early 80s. Oy vey. Thanks so much. I think more dialogue like this is itself the elusive answer.
Well done! Loved the personal reflection and can absolutely relate. While I was usually careful about what I said in HS (I am white), I did attend a multiracial school and the n-word was used liberally by white and black students. But mostly intended in a friendly or funny way. However, when I got to college and met my first black college friend, I made a joke using the n-word and it went over like a lead balloon with everyone in the car. But instead of banishing me, they told me
It was wrong and why. They let me off the hook and taught me a lesson. We need to teach more and punish less.
Oh Isaac, I will never meet you but I have so much love in my heart for you after reading today’s newsletter. Thank you, friend I will never know, for being so deeply reflective and so willing to look into your own heart. I have the same questions and the same lack of answers. How can we live in a deeply online world with generosity of spirit while also supporting and loving our friends and colleagues who have every right to their rage?
Rare these days to find someone actually owning their non-brag-worthy actions, whether that represents behavior from last night or a decade ago. Bravo for making us think bigger. If more people would take responsibility for their actions, while considering the feelings of others, the world would be a far better place. Thanks, Isaac.
Thank you for this. As a left-ish moderate who is surrounded primarily by people on the left, I’ve become really uncomfortable with the eagerness I see on this side of the aisle to jump on the villain-of-the-day. I appreciate that you’re willing to express the tension of feeling empathy for both parties in the Times article. I agree it seems both inappropriate to expect more patience from marginalized people and counter productive to shut down opportunities for growth on the part of the offenders. Where do we go from here? I’m not sure either, but your article put words to a discomfort I’ve felt for a while now.
You’ve reminded me of all those high school and middle school students I’ve seen, desperately seeking their own paths to adulthood. In particular, you’ve reminded me of my own frustratingly stubborn asshole of a son, and the hidden depths of empathy he had. He thought well of you, Isaac, as one of only a handful of his classmates he tried to maintain contact with.
Thank you for your honesty and bringing those memories to my mind.
I miss him and think of him nearly every day, Janietta. "Frustratingly stubborn asshole" is a great way to describe much of his persona, and reading it makes me smile -- which is the funny thing about him. He was so annoyingly smart, and also so full of love and empathy, that I remember him that way too... but very fondly. Thanks for the gift of this comment.
So thoughtful and so honest. this is such an important topic. Thanks for your heartfelt story. This should be shared in schools. I think many students would understand and benefit from reading and discussing it. We have so many students in need of love and positive attention. Teachers cannot do everything. Our schools are in need of more staff that could help address the needs of lonely and isolated students that do not have families that are able to guide these students towards a positive direction.
This sad story has no hero. Only two victims and three villains. Mimi Grimes is a victim, obviously, for being punished unjustly long after the fact. Jimmy Galligan is a victim for being goaded into purposely performing a vindictive and abhorrent act that will haunt him for life if he has any moral stature at all. U of Tenn is a villain for not only allowing it to happen, but escalating it. The NY Slimes is a villain for publicizing it in their vile pursuit of clicks at all cost. And collectively, we are all villains for granting those clicks and giving social media such power to destroy lives for the slightest reason or no reason at all. The great canceller, Lavrenty Beria, said, "Find me the man and I will find you the crime." It is hard to see how destroying Mimi's life could ever heal Jimmy from his past trauma. None of it would have happened without social media, which can be counted upon to find anyone's crime. Even yours.
THIS is why so many don't seem to get as they twist and reach in am effort to find offense everywhere. I recently came across a fine example of this on a social media thread and my jaw hit the floor as I watched a man I previously thought to be a fairly level headed guy, go into a full blown lecture about language and the danger of our words to a woman in her 60s who mentioned she thought Cuomo be hanged for his recent cover up of his covid handling in regards to those senior in extended living. While she was clearly using this as a reference to his guilt, this man linked her use of the word "hanged" as damaging due to the racial connotation associated with the word. It was such a head scratcher of a comment, reaching to find offense, but worse, when I came to her defense he said "don't like my opinion, don't friend me" the mantra of intolerance everywhere being spewed by a man trying to lecture on tolerance and well....what?!?!
Intent matters. THAT is what gives words power. People seem to be missing this very important bit of nuance and nuance is everything.
THANKS for another thought provoking and well written piece.
Maybe this is an annoying tick that I get from reading too many Nonviolent Communication books, but I worry about "brokenness" language, where we talk about how some people are broken and need to be fixed. These words jump out at me: "sin", "deranged", "shame", "redemption". On the one hand, Isaac, you're talking about your experiences, and that's what you honestly experienced. On the other hand, we're talking about the experiences we *want* each other to have, and the things we ask each other to do. And I worry that what we're really asking for, when we talk like that, is for people to hate themselves.
That's a dramatic way of putting it, but bear with me for a second. There's an elephant-in-the-room reaction that I'm sure a lot of people will have to this post: "But Isaac, most teenagers talk like that. It's normal." I don't know whether that's literally true, but I'm sure it's how a lot of people respond, and I'm also sure it makes other people very angry to hear that response. What I want to focus on is, what exactly is that a response *to*? I don't think it's really responding to the idea that other people are in pain. It's not denying the pain, and it's certainly not saying that hurting other people is justified. I think it's a defensive reaction, like "I can't be broken, because I'm just like everyone else. I don't have to hate myself."
I think sometimes we truly believe that other people are broken, and we want them to know damn well what we think of them. Other times, that's not what we mean to say, but it's how other people hear us anyway. Often it's a mix of both. Wherever it comes from, I worry that that message does more harm than good. I worry that it sets us up to fail here.
1. Whatever the positive value of social media, it complicates efforts at an individual's social restoration by encouraging self-righteousness: we can continue to blame and not forgive, because we are removed from actual, human interaction.
2. The old story...A man goes to his clergy "I have promoted terrible gossip about someone. How can I repair what I've done?" The clergy replies "First to throw a pile of feathers into the wind and later to try to collect all the feathers". In effect, this sort of injury is never completely repaired. Ongoing efforts at making amends allow us to live with one another.
3. Some religious traditions hold that when one commits an offense against another person, one must ask forgiveness of god and also of the harmed individual (There is a presumption that the the offender is sincere in the apology and has made tangible efforts to repair the injury. See #2). If after several tries the offended party will still not forgive, they must accept responsibility for a portion of the resulting social disruption. Often not mentioned is that the offender must work to forgiving themselves (again see #2)
Definitely not an "Arthur the fish" story. I'm in my 60's. I share many of the same stupid, juvenile behavior and thinking you retold. We are social creatures. We crave acceptance and a tribe (especially when younger and building our own, independent identity) Many times that comes with saying and doing things that are not generally accepted by society at large.
I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be able to give forgiveness to the missteps of others in the past. I try and fail at that constantly. People evolve. That's how we progress, ever so slowly, individually and as a society.
Your story is one example of an honest assessment of past personal errors in judgement. One example of growing and improving as a person. One step forward in a long, long shared road toward a better world. Thanks for sharing on this platform.
wonderfully written. I too spoke thoughtlessly and abhorrently as a teen with no knowledge of the impact of my words. I was simply following the lead of the adults and movies I watched as a precocious teen in the early 80s. Oy vey. Thanks so much. I think more dialogue like this is itself the elusive answer.
Gary K nailed it. More dialogue like this is so important. Thank you Isaac for the courage to open up.
Well done! Loved the personal reflection and can absolutely relate. While I was usually careful about what I said in HS (I am white), I did attend a multiracial school and the n-word was used liberally by white and black students. But mostly intended in a friendly or funny way. However, when I got to college and met my first black college friend, I made a joke using the n-word and it went over like a lead balloon with everyone in the car. But instead of banishing me, they told me
It was wrong and why. They let me off the hook and taught me a lesson. We need to teach more and punish less.
Oh Isaac, I will never meet you but I have so much love in my heart for you after reading today’s newsletter. Thank you, friend I will never know, for being so deeply reflective and so willing to look into your own heart. I have the same questions and the same lack of answers. How can we live in a deeply online world with generosity of spirit while also supporting and loving our friends and colleagues who have every right to their rage?
Thank you, Sherri. I appreciate it very much!
Rare these days to find someone actually owning their non-brag-worthy actions, whether that represents behavior from last night or a decade ago. Bravo for making us think bigger. If more people would take responsibility for their actions, while considering the feelings of others, the world would be a far better place. Thanks, Isaac.
Thanks for reading, Bob!
Thank you for this. As a left-ish moderate who is surrounded primarily by people on the left, I’ve become really uncomfortable with the eagerness I see on this side of the aisle to jump on the villain-of-the-day. I appreciate that you’re willing to express the tension of feeling empathy for both parties in the Times article. I agree it seems both inappropriate to expect more patience from marginalized people and counter productive to shut down opportunities for growth on the part of the offenders. Where do we go from here? I’m not sure either, but your article put words to a discomfort I’ve felt for a while now.
Jennifer
Thank you. Your piece was full of grace.
Well written.
You’ve reminded me of all those high school and middle school students I’ve seen, desperately seeking their own paths to adulthood. In particular, you’ve reminded me of my own frustratingly stubborn asshole of a son, and the hidden depths of empathy he had. He thought well of you, Isaac, as one of only a handful of his classmates he tried to maintain contact with.
Thank you for your honesty and bringing those memories to my mind.
I miss him and think of him nearly every day, Janietta. "Frustratingly stubborn asshole" is a great way to describe much of his persona, and reading it makes me smile -- which is the funny thing about him. He was so annoyingly smart, and also so full of love and empathy, that I remember him that way too... but very fondly. Thanks for the gift of this comment.
So thoughtful and so honest. this is such an important topic. Thanks for your heartfelt story. This should be shared in schools. I think many students would understand and benefit from reading and discussing it. We have so many students in need of love and positive attention. Teachers cannot do everything. Our schools are in need of more staff that could help address the needs of lonely and isolated students that do not have families that are able to guide these students towards a positive direction.
This sad story has no hero. Only two victims and three villains. Mimi Grimes is a victim, obviously, for being punished unjustly long after the fact. Jimmy Galligan is a victim for being goaded into purposely performing a vindictive and abhorrent act that will haunt him for life if he has any moral stature at all. U of Tenn is a villain for not only allowing it to happen, but escalating it. The NY Slimes is a villain for publicizing it in their vile pursuit of clicks at all cost. And collectively, we are all villains for granting those clicks and giving social media such power to destroy lives for the slightest reason or no reason at all. The great canceller, Lavrenty Beria, said, "Find me the man and I will find you the crime." It is hard to see how destroying Mimi's life could ever heal Jimmy from his past trauma. None of it would have happened without social media, which can be counted upon to find anyone's crime. Even yours.
Very well written! Great job.
This line got me "intent does matter"
THIS is why so many don't seem to get as they twist and reach in am effort to find offense everywhere. I recently came across a fine example of this on a social media thread and my jaw hit the floor as I watched a man I previously thought to be a fairly level headed guy, go into a full blown lecture about language and the danger of our words to a woman in her 60s who mentioned she thought Cuomo be hanged for his recent cover up of his covid handling in regards to those senior in extended living. While she was clearly using this as a reference to his guilt, this man linked her use of the word "hanged" as damaging due to the racial connotation associated with the word. It was such a head scratcher of a comment, reaching to find offense, but worse, when I came to her defense he said "don't like my opinion, don't friend me" the mantra of intolerance everywhere being spewed by a man trying to lecture on tolerance and well....what?!?!
Intent matters. THAT is what gives words power. People seem to be missing this very important bit of nuance and nuance is everything.
THANKS for another thought provoking and well written piece.
I grew up in the 60s, so the n word was more common then. It was before African Americans started using it to own it, as it were.
My dad used it liberally, and I never liked it.
Words have mattered to me since I was very young, not just the definition but the connotation as well, so I never used it.
“Gay” and “fa****” were also common then but I stopped using them when my brother came out.
Your POV changes when it becomes “real” as opposed to abstract.
All that being said, everything we do as kids n teens shapes us for who we are now.
As wrong as it was in the moment, lessons were learned and we became better people.
Those things should not be held against us 20/30/40 years later and held up to show who we are.
You write well, and that’s from someone who has read things since before kindergarten.
I enjoy reading it
Maybe this is an annoying tick that I get from reading too many Nonviolent Communication books, but I worry about "brokenness" language, where we talk about how some people are broken and need to be fixed. These words jump out at me: "sin", "deranged", "shame", "redemption". On the one hand, Isaac, you're talking about your experiences, and that's what you honestly experienced. On the other hand, we're talking about the experiences we *want* each other to have, and the things we ask each other to do. And I worry that what we're really asking for, when we talk like that, is for people to hate themselves.
That's a dramatic way of putting it, but bear with me for a second. There's an elephant-in-the-room reaction that I'm sure a lot of people will have to this post: "But Isaac, most teenagers talk like that. It's normal." I don't know whether that's literally true, but I'm sure it's how a lot of people respond, and I'm also sure it makes other people very angry to hear that response. What I want to focus on is, what exactly is that a response *to*? I don't think it's really responding to the idea that other people are in pain. It's not denying the pain, and it's certainly not saying that hurting other people is justified. I think it's a defensive reaction, like "I can't be broken, because I'm just like everyone else. I don't have to hate myself."
I think sometimes we truly believe that other people are broken, and we want them to know damn well what we think of them. Other times, that's not what we mean to say, but it's how other people hear us anyway. Often it's a mix of both. Wherever it comes from, I worry that that message does more harm than good. I worry that it sets us up to fail here.
A few thoughts:
1. Whatever the positive value of social media, it complicates efforts at an individual's social restoration by encouraging self-righteousness: we can continue to blame and not forgive, because we are removed from actual, human interaction.
2. The old story...A man goes to his clergy "I have promoted terrible gossip about someone. How can I repair what I've done?" The clergy replies "First to throw a pile of feathers into the wind and later to try to collect all the feathers". In effect, this sort of injury is never completely repaired. Ongoing efforts at making amends allow us to live with one another.
3. Some religious traditions hold that when one commits an offense against another person, one must ask forgiveness of god and also of the harmed individual (There is a presumption that the the offender is sincere in the apology and has made tangible efforts to repair the injury. See #2). If after several tries the offended party will still not forgive, they must accept responsibility for a portion of the resulting social disruption. Often not mentioned is that the offender must work to forgiving themselves (again see #2)
Definitely not an "Arthur the fish" story. I'm in my 60's. I share many of the same stupid, juvenile behavior and thinking you retold. We are social creatures. We crave acceptance and a tribe (especially when younger and building our own, independent identity) Many times that comes with saying and doing things that are not generally accepted by society at large.
I've come to the conclusion that it's better to be able to give forgiveness to the missteps of others in the past. I try and fail at that constantly. People evolve. That's how we progress, ever so slowly, individually and as a society.
Your story is one example of an honest assessment of past personal errors in judgement. One example of growing and improving as a person. One step forward in a long, long shared road toward a better world. Thanks for sharing on this platform.
Thank you.